04-07-2015, 11:27 AM
Hi, SFL community!
As many of you, I have been a long time lurker. During this time, I was reading and digesting posts and threads and comments on here like a parched traveller drinking water. What a comfort to know I wasn't "crazy" (maybe?? Lol) or alone in the struggle I was having with Fundamentalism.
A little background: hmmm...condensed. I grew up fundie lite in someways---but in the BJU circles of professional "shiny" fundamentalism. I possess an extremely sensitive conscience and so I think was very susceptible to the many guilt trips and oddities of belief of this system. Went to a Fundie school--and fundie U. I thank the fundie U because that is where the blinders started coming off. It took going to a "church" run like a tyranny to make the final break.
Although nothing as extreme happened to me in these circles like some of you, there was much hurt in perhaps the most vulnerable times in my life so far. I reached out for help and realized there was nothing there but platitudes and "trying harder" when I had nothing more to try. I couldn't maintain the facade anymore. The damage done was real, the exhaustion is still real, the recovery is real. I found that yoga helped me process my emotions, I found distancing myself from the drama helped, and I found that this community helped me make sense of some of the error--subtle errors are the worst! I still find fundie guilt creeping in, I still find myself crippled by the fear of being duped again or sucked back in somehow.
Through this I've become somehow more at peace and more of a fighter at the same time. I'm so thankful for this blog and the humor that hits home. I still follow Jesus, but that looks very different than what I had thought. I'm still sorting through it and being ok with the messiness of it all.
I will probably still lurk, but I'm trying to begin giving back to others in this journey too and find my voice.
Thanks all!!
As many of you, I have been a long time lurker. During this time, I was reading and digesting posts and threads and comments on here like a parched traveller drinking water. What a comfort to know I wasn't "crazy" (maybe?? Lol) or alone in the struggle I was having with Fundamentalism.
A little background: hmmm...condensed. I grew up fundie lite in someways---but in the BJU circles of professional "shiny" fundamentalism. I possess an extremely sensitive conscience and so I think was very susceptible to the many guilt trips and oddities of belief of this system. Went to a Fundie school--and fundie U. I thank the fundie U because that is where the blinders started coming off. It took going to a "church" run like a tyranny to make the final break.
Although nothing as extreme happened to me in these circles like some of you, there was much hurt in perhaps the most vulnerable times in my life so far. I reached out for help and realized there was nothing there but platitudes and "trying harder" when I had nothing more to try. I couldn't maintain the facade anymore. The damage done was real, the exhaustion is still real, the recovery is real. I found that yoga helped me process my emotions, I found distancing myself from the drama helped, and I found that this community helped me make sense of some of the error--subtle errors are the worst! I still find fundie guilt creeping in, I still find myself crippled by the fear of being duped again or sucked back in somehow.
Through this I've become somehow more at peace and more of a fighter at the same time. I'm so thankful for this blog and the humor that hits home. I still follow Jesus, but that looks very different than what I had thought. I'm still sorting through it and being ok with the messiness of it all.
I will probably still lurk, but I'm trying to begin giving back to others in this journey too and find my voice.
Thanks all!!
