[Questioner]

I've been whittling my way through this section of the forum. I enjoy reading here and I appreciate your stories and opinions, very much. I've almost finished reading "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winnell and I find that I derive a feeling of safety when I hear others' experiences and emotions that are similar to my own in this journey. I do have some questions, pertaining to my own personal search. I realize there is not much recent activity up here (sadly), but here goes:

What does it feel like to shed your former beliefs?

Did your shame disappear with it? Did the internal struggle vanish? (assuming you had those, please forgive and disregard if that was not your experience) If so, what do/did you do about it?

Have you felt the need to replace "The Cause" with another cause for action? If so, has that been helpful or satisfying?

Has there been a marked difference in your happiness and mental health since you let go?

How have you since been treated by your fundy family members?

How do you now feel about your fundy past/upbringing?

[Dr. Jezebel]

Questioner Wrote:What does it feel like to shed your former beliefs?

It was difficult for me. Like peeling my own skin off.

Quote:Did your shame disappear with it? Did the internal struggle vanish? (assuming you had those, please forgive and disregard if that was not your experience) If so, what do/did you do about it?

Yes! I still struggle with shame, occasionally, probably due to habit/indoctrination. But my internal struggle is GONE. Such a relief!

Quote:Have you felt the need to replace "The Cause" with another cause for action? If so, has that been helpful or satisfying?

For a while, yeah, I guess I felt I *had* to be striving toward something. Now, my "cause" is lavishing love on people. Even if I find them personally distasteful or rude, I try to remember that we all have bad days & give them as much grace as possible. I also go out of my way to speak kindness to those who cross my path.

Quote:Has there been a marked difference in your happiness and mental health since you let go?

I can't say about mental health, really, because I was so conditioned to think of those types of problems as spiritual issues. But, I can say for certainty that I am genuinely happy now. Before, I was "fake-happy," but how I felt didn't matter as long as I looked pleasant & said the right things.

Now, my happiness -actually, all my emotions!- are truly genuine. It's nice not to feel like I have to hide everything behind a mask.

Quote: How have you since been treated by your fundy family members?

My extended family isn't Fundy, so those relationships are better. My parents have been pretty accepting, considering. Obviously, they don't know a lot of things, but as far as no longer spanking our kids, allowing them to listen to (& play) evil rock music, & letting them wear worldly styles, they've done really well. Still passive-aggressive comments, occasionally, but generally they remain silent or are supportive.

Quote:How do you now feel about your fundy past/upbringing?

I resent it. A lot. I get angry about the inherent misogyny & racism that was tied (or rather, entwined) with the Gospel message. I hate that extreme literalism enslaves them to legalism.

I also get very angry that misuse of Scripture caused my parents to abuse me, and that same misapplication was accepted by me to the point I initially abused my own kids in the name of "godly discipline." That's what I struggle with most.


Edit: As PW kindly pointed out, this is Non-Believers Safe Space. (Details, Jez, details! ) I'm Christian-ish, in that I try to follow the teachings of Christ, but I don't believe that's the only way to heaven, or whatever afterlife there is. I'm not certain there is an afterlife - maybe we're reincarnated, like Buddhism teaches. Maybe we cease to exist. However, since I do still try to emulate Jesus in the areas of inclusion, love, & justice, if the OP feels that makes me a believer, I'd be happy to delete my post.

[MyKneesAreShowing]

(10-04-2014, 09:59 AM)Questioner Wrote: What does it feel like to shed your former beliefs?

Did your shame disappear with it? Did the internal struggle vanish? (assuming you had those, please forgive and disregard if that was not your experience) If so, what do/did you do about it?

Have you felt the need to replace "The Cause" with another cause for action? If so, has that been helpful or satisfying?

Has there been a marked difference in your happiness and mental health since you let go?

How have you since been treated by your fundy family members?

How do you now feel about your fundy past/upbringing?

1. It feels freeing. I was always the good girl, always followed the rules. Once I realized the rules were bunk, I walked away from all of it.

2. Yes. Realizing that God has forgiven me, His grace sustains me, I don't have to be ashamed anymore. The internal struggle is mostly gone. If old shame-inducing thoughts come, I remember and think on the verse about "there is no fear in love, and perfect love casts out fear."

3. No. I try to show God's love and grace to the people around me, but I'm not crazy-eyed about it. I'm enjoying just resting for a bit in God's grace, actually.

4. HUGE difference! I've had people tell me that I always seemed so uptight before, but I'm happy and actually glowing now. I enjoy life so much more now.

5. This is the hard one. I'm essentially estranged from my fundy family members at this point, especially my parents. They have the idea that if someone is against their church then they are against my parents, too. So, since I am very definitely against their church, or at least quite s bit of what is taught there, they feel that I am attacking and am against them, too. Ugh.

6. I'm very, very angry. I feel like my childhood was stolen from me and I'm playing catchup now. I grew up so fearful of the world around me that I missed out on a lot of perfectly innocent experiences. I'm trying to remedy that with my kids and give them a "normal", happy childhood.

[myotch]

(10-04-2014, 09:59 AM)Questioner Wrote: What does it feel like to shed your former beliefs?

I haven't shed them as much as they've transformed - I've been able to see intent of the Gospels, the role of the Church, and see God as One Who is routing for me. And you.

Quote:Did your shame disappear with it? Did the internal struggle vanish? (assuming you had those, please forgive and disregard if that was not your experience) If so, what do/did you do about it?

Undeserved shame has all but disappeared, mere traces that amuse me more than shame me. To be Christian is to be a citizen of the New Israel, and that word means "wrestles with God". I'm also Southern, and that means to struggle with....everything - family, God, self.

The difference is, I can enjoy the struggle now.

Quote:Have you felt the need to replace "The Cause" with another cause for action? If so, has that been helpful or satisfying?

Nature abhors a vacuum, and since I am a natural person, I have adopted other causes. I do like intellectual pursuits. I enjoy politics - particularly freedom and liberty issues, but market politics as well. It is extremely satisfying.

Quote:Has there been a marked difference in your happiness and mental health since you let go?[quote]

Everyone will probably say they are happier, much happier, elated. I think they are lying (my personal opinion, not up for debate). I feel satisfied in many ways, but actual happiness was when Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy were real, when ignorance was bliss, when mommy and daddy were the ones who addressed problems and you never worried where the next meal was coming from.

However, there is something to knowing how nature works, how humans operate. That not every problem is God pouring judgment on you.

[quote]How have you since been treated by your fundy family members?

After the initial phase, just fine. Even in the initial phase,it was tolerable.

Quote:How do you now feel about your fundy past/upbringing?

A range of emotions. Sad for the lost time, anger at the abuses and excesses. I'm actually thankful for fundamentalism for giving me a great and in-depth education in the Bible, even if I now reject much of their interpretation of it. There were some genuinely good times. And I met some genuinely good and cool people.'

It helps to be genuinely optimistic and realizing that your past doesn't count near enough as what you do with you from this day forward.

[pastor's wife]

Moderator's Note:

I think this thread was specifically for non-Christians since it was posted in the Non-believers' Forum.

[Questioner]

True, I was asking about the experiences of non-believers. I'm not personally offended by anybody's posts, though.

[slh12280]

(10-04-2014, 09:59 AM)Questioner Wrote: What does it feel like to shed your former beliefs?

Did your shame disappear with it? Did the internal struggle vanish? (assuming you had those, please forgive and disregard if that was not your experience) If so, what do/did you do about it?

Have you felt the need to replace "The Cause" with another cause for action? If so, has that been helpful or satisfying?

Has there been a marked difference in your happiness and mental health since you let go?

How have you since been treated by your fundy family members?

How do you now feel about your fundy past/upbringing?

1) Well, for me it has been a few years since I have shed my beliefs and at first it felt more like confusion.

2) I don't think my shame about it has disappeared completely. It is better but not gone because sometimes when people, family members, bring up religious subjects I feel bad if I think/say certain things but I think that is more indoctrination and not wanting to get into it with people about that again. As for an internal struggle, I don't really feel like I have one. I just don't think about it much anymore unless someone brings it up.

3) Not sure what you mean here but I will say I feel more inclined to take responsibility for the world and my own life. We are the ones who have the power to reduce suffering and I find meaning in making the world better in a tiny way.

4) I actually don't feel like I am really happier. About the same? I think I was always a skeptic deep down but I find some things easier to accept. Death has actually become easier to accept because I don't have to worry about anyone's eternal soul. I don't have religious obsessions so in that aspect I am mentally healthier. I feel I can accept people more easily. I still get depressed about life things but not anymore than I did before. The attacks about "what if they're really right?" have significantly decreased.

5) Don't have any real fundy family, more like conservative evangelicals. They don't know much but I get fairly frequent church invites, some talks about being "concerned" but they aren't bad at all, just the typical differences in opinion.

6) My upbringing was not super strict, although there are some things I think were not the best to be taught. I think my mother did what she thought was right. Could have done without the gender role, sexist, purity stuff, though. I can laugh about the rest, really.

[Recovering]

What does it feel like to shed your former beliefs? It has been at once the most terrifying and liberating process I've ever undertaken.

Did your shame disappear with it? Did the internal struggle vanish? (assuming you had those, please forgive and disregard if that was not your experience) If so, what do/did you do about it? Definitely had both the shame and internal struggle. Sometimes I ignore them; sometimes I work through them. I think they lessen the longer you're away, so long as you're willing to face them head on.

Have you felt the need to replace "The Cause" with another cause for action? If so, has that been helpful or satisfying? No. Idealistic causes and worldviews make me nervous.

Has there been a marked difference in your happiness and mental health since you let go? The biggest difference for me has been a growing understanding of why I had problems in the first place. When I first left, I was mostly unhappy and desperately confused. As I've begun to figure out why that was the case, the unhappiness has slowly transformed into curiosity about the possibilities and breadth of the world at large.

How have you since been treated by your fundy family members? Decently. It helps that I'm a married woman, I think. They approach my husband with their disagreements and conversion efforts. It's a little insulting, but if I'm honest, I'm mostly just glad not to be arguing with them anymore.

How do you now feel about your fundy past/upbringing? Mixed. It's given me insight into bigoted and close-minded people I think is hard to come by otherwise, and for that, I'm grateful. It's a part of who I am. I can't just wish it away. On the other hand, it screwed with me in ways I'm still figuring out, and that pisses me off sometimes.

The hardest part for me about the whole process is figuring out what exactly is going on. I didn't leave because of some logically-derived conclusion that fundamentalism was incorrect; I left because I felt the wrongness. I didn't know what it was, exactly, and I sure as heck couldn't explain it to anyone else.

Earlier, when I'd try to explain my upbringing to an outsider (especially a conservative Evangelical outsider), they'd get wide-eyed about the no-dancing/no-pants standards aspect of it and maybe sympathize a little about controlling parents. But to me, that wasn't the main problem. Sure, the rules were annoying, but once I was out I was pretty confident in my ability to make my own choices in those areas. The wrongness was something else, something bigger, and I've only begun recently to figure it out.

To me, the big wrongness of fundamentalism is insiduous. It's manipulation, the promise of approval and success held always just outside of reach, the inextricable binding of one's self-worth to others' approval. I'm finally coming to realize that, when I left, I didn't so much escape that as pick a different set of people's approval to define myself by. That's a hard thing to overcome.

[Recovering]

Oh, two other thoughts regarding how I feel about my upbringing:

It has made it very dificult for me to accept any kind of religion. I want to, sort of, but I struggle seeing Christianity separate from the sort of manipulation I grew up with.

Additionally, the variant of fundamentalism with which I am familiar was more doctrinally-based than most, from what I've read here anyway. Answers and rebuttals to the world's arguments (and especially to the arguments of other Christians) were hammered into my skull, and they haven't gone away, regardless of the fact that I no longer believe them. This has made it hard for me to accept any reasoning or assurance from anyone else about my struggle.

[Questioner]

(10-11-2014, 07:42 AM)slh12280 Wrote: Have you felt the need to replace "The Cause" with another cause for action? If so, has that been helpful or satisfying?

3) Not sure what you mean here but I will say I feel more inclined to take responsibility for the world and my own life. We are the ones who have the power to reduce suffering and I find meaning in making the world better in a tiny way.

-Exactly what I was asking. I loved your answer!

(10-11-2014, 08:07 AM)Recovering Wrote: To me, the big wrongness of fundamentalism is insiduous. It's manipulation, the promise of approval and success held always just outside of reach, the inextricable binding of one's self-worth to others' approval. I'm finally coming to realize that, when I left, I didn't so much escape that as pick a different set of people's approval to define myself by. That's a hard thing to overcome.

^This^ I appreciate your explanation of the wrongness. You nailed it!

(10-11-2014, 08:11 AM)Recovering Wrote: Answers and rebuttals to the world's arguments (and especially to the arguments of other Christians) were hammered into my skull, and they haven't gone away, regardless of the fact that I no longer believe them. This has made it hard for me to accept any reasoning or assurance from anyone else about my struggle.

^This^ is what I'm afraid of. One of the things she talks about in the book is how some of the damage never really goes away. It makes me angry, which then makes it even harder to let go.